sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder
is this really what i wanted to do all this while?
is this really the best path?
is this going to turn out ok in the end.

sometimes i wonder
is ok enough for me?
or i need more than just ok.

i've never wanted to be an engineer
i've never wanted to have anything to do with engineering.
u see,
my sister is an electrical engineer.
my brother is an mechanical engineer.
my younger brother is going to be a software engineer.
i've never had the slightest interest in engineering.
seriously.

after completed my spm
i was so clueless.
what should i do next?
then the options shoved upon me
engineering or medic??
yes,that just it.
i knew i dont have any interests in both.
yes NO INTEREST at all
but it has been my dream since i was little.
i wanna study oversea
i wanna go outside malaysia
i wanna see places i know i couldnt afford
and the only way is to get a scholarship
and the only was is to get paid for being outside of malaysia
and then i was busy applying
i was busy interviewing
i was busy accepting MARA's offer
i was busy packing
i was already in KMS

i didnt say i wasnt happy
in fact i was happy
but it wasnt for the supposed reason
it was just because
i'll finally be able to see places
to breath in new air
to make my parents happy
to make them proud
but i wasnt proud of myself
cause i know deep down this isnt what i want.

2 torturing years at KMS finally ended without i realized it
yes,it was torturing doing something u didnt want to do
results were out and i'm off to aussie

and here i am
in sydney
still struggling
pushing myself off the limits
to satisfy not myself
but for MARA
for my parents
for my family
who would want a failure in their family aite?
sometimes i get tired
sometimes i get fed-up
sometimes i get really sick of this
sometimes i cried
sometimes i just shut the hell up
sometimes i wonder again
when will this be over?
so i can finally hold the degree
and finally
FINALLY
do something i want to do.
yes,something i want to do FOR MYSELF.

i have this one cousin
when she was offered sains fizikal in matrics
she fought
she wanted to so sains hayat
when i just accepted what was offered
she fought for what she wants for her future
when everyone else except her family doubted her
she had faith in herself
and now she's doing something she really enjoys
no matter how headache-ing it is
she enjoys it very much
while i'm still contemplating
but i never regretted this

i just want to finally do something happily

but i know,if this is the path He leads me
then there'll be hikmah in the end
He knows the best
He knows what future holds
only He knows what we dont
and I'm not giving up

we dont have to like everything we do rite
we just have to do it
once we started
we ought to complete
and to completion I'm heading